


Body Shy

by SharpestScalpel



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Body Image, Body Worship, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Cock Cages, Explicit Consent, M/M, Protective Steve Rogers, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 11:15:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4664520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SharpestScalpel/pseuds/SharpestScalpel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hydra Trash Meme fill for this prompt:</p>
<p>http://hydratrashmeme.dreamwidth.org/1504.html?thread=2052064#cmt2052064</p>
<p>In order to keep him from getting distracted, Hydra kept the Winter Soldier in a cock cage/whatever kind of chastity device author wants while on his missions. ALL of his missions. Including the one where he went to save the Project Insight helicarrier and ended up wandering off. For whatever reason, he doesn't remove it himself (maybe he physically can't, maybe he doesn't want to, maybe he's so used to it it never even occurs to him to do so). Cue however much time later, he's back with Steve and Steve finds out. When and how is up to author, I just want Steve finding out that not only was Bucky kept in this thing while with Hydra, he's had it on the whole time he's been away from them as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Body Shy

Bucky is body shy.

It catches Steve off-guard - they lived in each other's pockets back before, in that tiny tenement room, and there had barely been room for the two of them, much less any privacy. He'd felt guilty about the way his eyes lingered, about the way he drew the curve of Bucky's stomach, the line of his back, when Steve wasn't paying close attention to what his fingers were doing.

But now Bucky hides, under layers of denim and tracksuit material and sweaters and Steve has even seen him wear a couple of those hipster scarves that Clint is always making fun of. Bucky seems to take comfort from the weight of all that fabric. 

Steve just wants to respect Bucky's boundaries. Those Hydra bastards - and Steve feels half impotent with anger sometimes because they are mostly dead and not by his hand - certainly didn't respect Bucky, didn't let him have a moment of privacy or dignity or anything even vaguely human. Steve's read the reports though he tried not to look at the pictures; there were always technicians and cameras and nudity and a hose and...

He takes a deep breath in through his nose. His anger isn't going to help Bucky get better. Especially not now that Bucky's living with him, living in his own room with a lock on the door even though they have to share a bathroom. Steve's careful always to knock and never to surprise Bucky when he might be vulnerable. In return, Bucky has graduated to at least being willing to wear the plush bathrobe Steve bought him so he wouldn't have to get fully dressed after a shower just to make it back to said bedroom. Steve calls that progress, anyway. And so does Sam, so Steve feels pretty good about it.

Sam understood when Steve said he didn't want to invade Bucky's privacy when it came to doctor's visits and examinations. He's been a good friend. So Steve didn't dismiss it out of hand when Sam said that Bucky might react well to Steve initiating contact. Nothing too intense. Just maybe a hug.

So it starts with a hug. 

Bucky's smile had started shy and had turned delighted and then he'd nodded, hair still in his face. He'd felt like a soft quivering animal when Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky's shoulders, both of them, because Bucky was flesh and he was also metal and Steve wasn't going to shy away from it. Steve didn't try to touch Bucky's skin, and Bucky had eventually gone so far as to rest his forehead against Steve's clothed chest. 

More progress.

Steve has an artist's eye still. He can imagine the way Bucky looks under his clothes. He lingers over his old memories even though he feels guilty about it, can't help but fill in the muscle mass that has changed Bucky's shape from that lean boy back in Brooklyn. And he still remembers Bucky's cock, the look of it flaccid against his thigh as Bucky sprawled naked on his bed, shameless and unafraid in the heat of summer. 

There is no mistaking that Bucky has changed - and while Steve mourns how it happened, he isn't naive enough to pretend that it didn't. So he counts it not just as progress but also as victory for both of them when Bucky sheds a few layers around the apartment, slowly and cautiously grows comfortable lounging in nothing so much as a long-sleeved t-shirt and a soft pair of jeans. By Bucky's standards, that's practically naked.

And the hugs have turned into hugging with a side of kisses, gentle and closed-mouthed things that Steve mostly just waits for Bucky to give him because he'd rather wind up back in the ice than take anything from Bucky that Bucky doesn't want to give. The kisses give him hope, and they give him fantasy material that follows him into his dreams. He wakes up rutting against his mattress more mornings than not, is for once glad that Bucky still sleeps in his own room because it would be mortifying to wake up with Bucky watching that. Or worse, to wake up attempting to rub off on his friend.

The day he comes home and Bucky has left the bathroom door open while showering feels like a test from God. Steve stands frozen in the hallway, his hand in a fist so he doesn't reach out for the wet skin all on display. Bucky keeps his back to Steve, but he turns his head enough for Steve to see the small smile playing across his mouth.

That's a familiar look. That's the look of trouble, the look of Bucky inviting the prettiest girl in the dancehall to Lindy with him - while her beau is sitting right next to her. The steam from the shower is as good as an engraved invitation; neither of them can resist being warm. Water is dripping from Bucky's eyelashes.

He's still body shy, Steve thinks. But Steve isn't. He pulls his shirt off and Bucky nods, shifts to one side to make more room for Steve to join him. He turns his body and his head comes up, smile getting bigger, and that's when Steve sees it.

It doesn't register at first; Steve doesn't really have a frame of reference for what he's seeing. But the more he looks, the more it sinks in. There's a cage around Bucky's cock. The familiar lines of it, drawn from memory and enhanced with hopefulness, are broken by the gleam of metal, the same silver alloy that makes up Bucky's arm.

Bucky isn't hiding it, isn't flinching away. Isn't making any gesture to remove it or display it - it's not for titillation, Steve can tell. 

"Steve?"

He's hesitated too long - Bucky is starting to look uncertain and his smile has faltered. He turns back away from Steve, his shoulders rounding in a hunch that's meant to make him take up less space. Steve hates to see it - he kicks off his shoes and steps into the shower with his pants still on, doesn't care about getting them wet.

"Hey, Buck, sure am glad to see you." That will always be true. He reaches to touch Bucky's hair, hesitates in a wordless request for permission. When Bucky nods, Steve brushes it back from his face and leans down so Bucky can kiss him.

There's no way, no way. His doctors would have said something. Bucky has so many appointments and Steve has never been to the appointments because he still respects Bucky's boundaries but surely they wouldn't have allowed...

"What's this, Buck?" He has to ask.

And he has to keep his face from changing when Bucky explains.

***

It was for control, Bucky had told him, to keep him from getting distracted. Bucky hadn't seemed concerned, hadn't been bothered. He had blushed when Steve looked at him, had turned his body aside, his bold and troublesome smile gone like it hadn't been there and he had no idea how Steve had wound up in the shower with him. It was obvious he thought Steve didn't like what he was seeing.

Steve had taken his cue to step out, to wrap up in a bundle of towels so his wet trousers didn't drip everywhere before offering Bucky a clean and fluffy towel of his own. He did not, as much as he wanted to, offer to dry Bucky off. He didn't think it would be as reassuring as he meant it to be. Because he did like what he was seeing.

But that thing has been on Bucky the entire time he'd lived with Steve. It has been on Bucky the entire time since he'd left Hydra's control. It has been on Bucky the entire time - and there's no telling how long it had been on him before then. Steve tries to sit with this but the breathing exercises he learned from Sam aren't helping this time. He didn't know. He was trying to give Bucky space and he didn't know and Bucky doesn't seem in the least bit bothered by this further alteration to his body.

And now that Steve knows, what's he supposed to do about it anyway? He thinks it's probably more important to let Bucky have his free will, have his autonomy, particularly about his body than for Steve to feel comfortable. But he wonders if Bucky can even conceptualize of not wearing that thing.

Can Bucky remember having sex? Does he remember the urgent rush of sensation that comes with the swell of an erection? What about the throb of need that means it's impossible to think clearly when he's still contained behind the zipper of his trousers?

He guesses that's what "they didn't want me to get distracted" was meant to address, probably. And understanding Hydra's perspective on anything is enough to make Steve feel sick to his stomach.


End file.
